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Symphony in White
A personal blog: dreamlogs, life, interests, and the occasionally random etc.
This is so hard. Every time I feel happy, I am overcome with this immense sense of guilt and it crushes whatever happiness I found in that brief moment. But I want to feel that happy that I feel with you… and I keep pushing… but this will all crumble soon… so what will I be left with? I’m scared, I don’t want this to end…
I think I am in too much shock to tell if this month is like the greatest month of my life, or the absolute worst. There’s been so much information being processed in my head, I can’t sort through them. I don’t know what to feel. I am ecstatic for one thing, and devastated by another, and this cycle continues. I feel like the most confused person in the world right now, but I think I see a clear path ahead. And am I ever glad that there is one.
If your life was a jigsaw puzzle. I’d be a piece that looks like it fits, but when you look closely, there would be a small gap between the pieces and the lines are just a little off.
You don’t realize how much life you’ve had till you’re trying to pack it all into boxes and realize you can’t take it all with you.
Dreamlog: beaches and fire
I think we said something like let’s go get some ice cream. They knew the way, so I said I’d follow you. The sun was setting and I couldn’t tell which car was yours, but you pulled up beside me and we drove off. You pulled into this neighborhood, I thought that was strange for a shop to be located there. Maybe it was a shortcut. I lost you at a turn, it was getting dark and couldn’t see. But when I pulled back I saw you again. Somehow you weren’t driving and you were just running, but I kept following in my car. You were playing with the kids on the block, tossing a ball around. And when you saw me catch up you continued to lead me through the neighborhood. Eventually I wasn’t driving anymore either, and it wasn’t dark. The day became brighter, like the sun was rising. I followed you behind this red brick building and there was an abandoned courtyard. It was beautiful, a secret treasure. I wanted to take a picture and when I looked across it was just an empty land beside the beach. We climbed up a sand dune but it kept collapsing under our feet. It was fun, but I never got a picture. We put out a blanket and somehow Kyle found us and joined us.
We were in a cafeteria of sorts, Imta and Ieunuh were there. We sat down in this room and started to eat. My boss started pacing around, ruining the atmosphere. Then he started talk to the other coworkers like we couldn’t hear. They were planning a company thing. Purposefully excluding us. I got more and more angry as this conversation continued until I finally turned around to say something. I don’t quite remember what I said but I remember my voice breaking as I continued and finally in a meek tone I said I hope this place burns to the ground. Because that’s what he deserved.
I don’t want to cry in front of you, but I think I might. I wonder if you know how important you were, from your first introduction to now when we part ways. Thank you for noticing me. Thank you for asking me to stay, it meant more than I thought it would. And thank you for making work just ever so slightly more pleasant than the horrible hell hole it is.
I’m sorry for ditching you, but I have to move on. I doubt we’ll cross paths much in the future (though I shall try my best), thank you. You really are very special to me.
Dreamlog: Rush job
He picked me up and drove me around. I tried to have a conversation, but he wasn’t interested. And he showed me off to his friends in a hurried manner. I could tell in their faces a look of pity and that I meant nothing. I felt sad, but more mostly anger than anything else.
Reblogged from: heterotrophs
I wish there was a reset button for life, there’s only so many undos that can be done.